So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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