1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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