just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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