I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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