Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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