So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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