I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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