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• (313): View more from Michigan

  I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis

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• (210): View more from Texas

  so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

  (512): View more from Texas

  oh shit that had to have been awkward

  (210): View more from Texas

  i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

  (770): View more from Georgia

  she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You KNEW her power was out...

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• (626): View more from California

  Dignity is for republicans.

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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• (850): View more from Florida

  Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday

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• (859): View more from Kentucky

  You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work

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• (619): View more from California

  my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.

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• (714): View more from California

  Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?

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• (415): View more from California

  besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  Have you considered murder?

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy

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