Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my being single is dangerous.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I FOUND THE LEGS
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize