My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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