Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
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