you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
