I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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