I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
