Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
