the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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