if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
