This is not my ceiling
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
