Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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