:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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