K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
