At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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