saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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