It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
