im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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