i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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