someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
