Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
