I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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