what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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