I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
