like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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