Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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