Just fell off a train. Bad.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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