If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
