Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
