just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
