I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
