Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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