i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
