true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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