Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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