I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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