I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
