Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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