Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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