I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
