I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
