if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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