Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize