I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
