Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
