i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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