You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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