I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
