I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
