Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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