Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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