So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dignity is for republicans.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
