Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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