I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
