I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize